Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Not the Best of Times

So as I mentioned in the comments, the memorial service for Mr. Leslie was yesterday. It was a lovely service in a very small, very crowded church and I made a mess of my mascara. His wife seemed to teeter between being okay and being just utterly shattered.

The church was already so crowded when I arrived that many of us were standing around before the service, hoping some chairs would appear. As I was standing there, I heard my name and there was his wife getting up to come to me. I don't think she'll ever know how much that meant to me that amidst her grief and among her family, she saw me and reached out to me. We only hugged briefly and with a short exchange but it was a very meaningful moment for me.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I'm not a very social person. (Yes, I know I mention it a lot. ha) "Socially awkward" is a mild way of describing me. And the above scene is what has always made Mr. Leslie and his wife so special to me...the fact that they reach past my social awkwardness and love me anyway. That among strangers and even family who often ignore or dismiss me, they've always extended a kind hand of friendship.

That being said, when she hugged me, I had absolutely no idea what to say. "I'm so sorry" sounds so trite and meaningless. And yet, to say how sad I was at the loss seemed to take away from her own deeper sense of loss and grief. In the end, I awkwardly said nothing. I just hugged her, and nodded when she thanked me for being there. And when she exclaimed, "It's just so sad!" all I could say was, "I know." and hug her back.

I don't handle other people's emotions very well on a daily basis, but funerals? Fuggetaboutit. I never know what to say or what to do. Ultimately, I guess, there's nothing really TO say. Nothing that CAN be done. But it just still seems so awkward and uncomfortable.  Pile that on top of the fact that I was in the middle of a bunch of strangers and it was a pretty miserable experience, as most funerals/memorials are. But I wasn't there for me. I was there for Mrs. Francis. Even if we only had that one small exchange, it was worth it just to express my love and friendship to two people who mean so much to me.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

A Moment of Joy

It's 63* here this morning and for the first time in forever Libs and I are AWAKE and ALIVE. 

My spirit feels fresh this morning in the cool fresh air. 

We went tramping and frolicking around the yard and soaking in the reprieve from the oppressive heat. 

My windows are open and my soul is singing. 

PS...I had to say "Milkbones" to get her to look at me for the above photo. :-D

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Sad Day

Got word this morning that a much loved family friend passed away last night. Not sure what happened...possibly a heart attack but I haven't heard. I didn't go to lunch with Mama today, who probably has all the deets by now. At first I felt a little guilty about that because I figured she needed someone to talk to. But when I saw her in passing just now I realize it's probably for the best. I can't deal with her grief and my own right now.  Selfish? Maybe. But the Lord works things out for us in our best interest and I'm pretty sure He worked out our lunch plans exactly the way it was supposed to be.

I'm actually not even really grieving yet. I don't think it's really settled in that it really happened. I mean, I just saw him recently and he was fine. Or he seemed fine.

Me and Mr. Leslie at the church Valentine's Banquet, 2010.
One thing I know for sure, he was the sweetest man I think I have ever known in my entire life and I'm not exaggerating just because he's gone now. He was quite literally, the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful man I've ever known. Always ready with a hug and a huge smile. Always greeted me like I was exactly who he had hoped to see. Helpful to his neighbors and friends. I can't even express how thoughtful and kind he and his wife were to our family when we lost Paw-Paw Joe.

What struck me the most, though, was how kind  he was to his wife. How sweet they always were together. Always laughing with each other. He always spoke kindly to her and always spoke about her with respect and affection. A rare quality, from what I've observed of men in my 35 years.

I can't imagine the world without his big smile in it. I don't even want to think about it.

Please pray for his wife, though. Like him, she is the sweetest person and I can't imagine one of them without the other. I know she must be in total shock and will need as many prayers as we can spare as she wades through the loss and grief.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Getting Real...Or Not

So I feel like I've been absent a lot lately. Not that any/many people notice since I don't have a huge following. But if my stats are to be believed I do have a few lurkers every now and then.

Hi Lurkers! I love you! Come talk to me. I don't bite. Much. ;-)

I love you, too, Trix! And Aunt B! My two regular/semi-regular commenters/friends.

Honestly, my heart just isn't in blogging right now. So much of what's going on in my life is work related crap--AKA--Things I can't talk about on the web. Because I NEED this job. Right? Right. And I know I've skirted around talking about work related things here but I need to shut that kind of talk down. No matter how well I think this here blog is protected from people I know in real life, we all know that nothing is safe on the internet.

That being said, I started this blog to document my life, my feelings, and often times my silliness. I love that it's a great record of the past 9ish years. I can go back into my archives and watch Emmy grow up. I can see Alyssa and Ethan born. I can re-experience the joy and terror of adopting the Devil Pup. And the comments--I used to have a number of friends who commented regularly but who, for whatever reason, drifted away outside of FB. One, at least, has gone on to be with Jesus but she lives on here in the comments. Encouraging me. Supporting me. Lifting me up the way she always did back when we were close.

However, with the craziness that is my work life consuming my personal life/joys, so much of what made this a happy place to come to isn't possible right now. And I feel like a broken record posting Libby pics/captions, talking about how stressed I am and honestly, I realize nobody wants to hear about my depression all the time. Collective eye rolls, I see them.

I'm not saying I'm quitting blogging. I'm just asking--lurkers and friends, be patient with me. I hate that I don't post every day even if ya'll don't care. I care. And because I love you, I don't want to be one of those flaky bloggers who just up and quits. Or posts less and less until they stop. I WANT to leave this record here. It's always been the only place I could openly speak about my depression. Or the crazy things that sometimes happen to me. Or my thoughts on love. And even if nobody reads it or cares or "gets" it, I once loved blogging. I put all my angst and thought into it. And if reading me navigate this crazy, awesome, terrible, insane, amazing life helps even just one person recognize that the are not alone in something they're experiencing/feeling, I feel like putting it all out there matters.

Someday soon, I really hope I can get back on track with life, blogging and being me. I haven't felt like me in sooooooo long, I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore. Until then, my friends, enjoy the occasional Libby pics and drivel. *sloppy smooches*

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Libby sez...

"Don't watch dis TBs, Mama. Dey's kissun."

Monday, September 01, 2014

Labor Day

A day of my favorite things. Coffee, television and romance novels. Delicious. 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Strange But True

We finally had a really good rain today and I moved my car from beneath the carport so the rain could wash off all the dust. 

Redneck car wash. Ha